Riced Out Yugo
information is serious business
the store wasn't convenient for Tesco LaTone (the man named after the convenience store in which he was conceived), and the only other conceivable location was located across the bar from a rather foul-tempered robot, who, despite his disposition, would always overpour. a guy who was the guy for some other guy that does stuff, he needed this guy fixed down at the department of elbow grease.

i had just the thing: the department of elbow grease had a contract with pepsi, and employees were forbidden to drink coke, discuss coke, snort coke, tweet about coke, or snort tweets about coke. bottomless linda had herself a job down at the department of elbow grease, and knew that that guy (no the other one [no the other one {no the other one}]) left his password on a post it note on the monitor, and that the password was SEXPARAKEET420, and that he probably, like, uses the password for all that shit, and, like, THANK GAWD you're gonna fix him because he's always starin' at my behind and then pretending like he was thinking about a related rates problem from the night calculus class he's taking, as if adding "night" to calculus makes it cooler, well, actually i guess it does, but, like, ugh, get into number theory or something

that's why they called her bottomless linda. not only did i get the information i wanted, i got a lot more besides

i pulled an origami crane out of my pocket, and slid it over to Tesco LaTone.

he nodded. "if this werks," he drawled, "i gotcha 50,000 youtube followers." i nodded.

"would. you. like. some. more ?!" the robot bartender interjected.

"always," i replied.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-02-07 00:39:43
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GERG
GEREG. IT IS SO COLD I PASSED OUT YUGO BLOWING IN MY HANDS. THE DATAS HAS NOT BEEN FOUND. GEREG. THE DRESS WAS MERELY REFRACTING THE LIGHT GOD GAVE IT; COLOUR IS A HUMAN FALACY DRESS DONT CCARE. GEREG. GERG.
Posted by shitbowl @ 2020-01-22 17:33:37
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We’re all just partying on a freeway towards Jerusalem

I was driving down this ancient country lane one summer evening, sometime around 1990, when I had this bizarre out-of-body experience. My head was floating above the wing mirrors in some kind of dreamlike effervescent trapezoid state. Ever since then, I’ve tried my hardest to get back into my body, but it just runs away from me screaming in terror. Could it have been aliens? Sure. But it could also have been something far closer to home. So that is what I am doing write now: righting – and just biding my time until I drop dead from an amount of alcohol.

Fuck this life. It leads us nowhere. We can do better than that. I met a man once and he passed me by with a large tractor, and as he did so, he sang a noise to me that was somehow impossible to hear. To this very day I haven’t heard it again since; or maybe, just maybe, I’m hearing it now – and you are, too, and you just don’t realise. Because we’re all just too fucking insignificant for me to care.

What, you’re a sprout? Don’t mind me, then; I’ll just be sitting here with my trowel and consequences, pondering your fate while the line bends. It’s not as though we had it, anyway. Too dreamlike, they said.

And all those days just ricochet around my head, and I am alone in my company, diminishing in warped stature and preceded by a rust of tinted fear. Can you hear the heart of time beat? Hear it. Hear it now. It’s ticking and tocking and humming to itself as it swivels in a desk-chair. But it still doesn’t make a sound. Because if you look a donkey in its eye, and try to see its pain as it hauls that load through the desert dust, through the market stalls of daybreak, through fog and wind and rain, you will find him. He will wait for you, and you will listen to what he has to say, and fucking ignore it – because of course you would; after all, you’re only in your mind.

Everlasting love is a pity-ridden fool’s fairytale held in the air by glass diamond. Pretty, yes; but then it shatters, because its strength is only on the surface level. You go further: and, when you find yourself in the deep end, you reach out for support that isn’t there, and I drift. I drift so slowly away to the deep. I sing to myself as I go. Just singing as the chasm unfolds. They echo and reverberate like some recycled intellect, so cast by that shadow that hangs by your doorway at night. So lost by the frown that haunts your smile. Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes.

That dress wasn’t gold or blue. The bloody thing was green, but we didn’t even pay attention to that, because we were all too busy looking for someone who wasn’t even in the room. Gorillas, man, I hate the bastards. They waltz in here thinking they own the place because they can blend into a basketball match – but the truth is, I’ve never even met a gorilla before. The things scare me – and perhaps they scare you a little, too. Perhaps you see, just as I do, that when you look in their eyes, there’s something else there: something tribal, trivial, trilled, and truncated. Swamped by a vast mass of time and I pull in deeper now. I can’t believe I have drifted so far in one metre per second, but the count holds me to the mark like a dagger against a breadbin. Feel that motherfucking felt, Rumpelstiltskin. Does it appease you now, you sick fuck?

Remorse. I suppose I felt remorse when I left home. Mostly because I didn’t ever say goodbye, and also because your father never took the path of teaspoon-dealing when that road split. I should’ve begged him to follow his heart and do what he’d always wanted. But now he’s alone in a study, with a pile of grass accompanying his footsteps, and he’s regurgitating on a whim the fallacies of birdsong and droning on about nothing in particular. I feel sorry for the man that could have been, but I look at the man I made and can’t pity him at all, lest I ever forgive myself. He knew what he was doing. He knew all too well, better than I ever could.

And so we come to the tumbleweed chapter. Here we are just a-blowin’ in the wind, trying to get from A to B in spite of all the fake Latin phrases blocking our path. I guide and you follow, but you are always in front, and I am always on my phone. It’s pretty fun that way, because I don’t ever have to do anything: I just have to look to the horizon, far away, distant, glowing – and I just think, “But would it really be that much different if I did hijack the vote?” Sometimes you don’t see just how blind you are. But that’s fine, because neither do I. We should’ve gone to that optician’s whose name I can’t mention. I can’t mention it because they didn’t pay me for product placement, and I’m not a shill – whatever that means. I read it somewhere in a book. You can, too, if you know which one I read it in.

Hot air balloon flight, October ’53. Water balloon fight, January. I’m sorry I don’t recall what year. But it was cold, and the air was icy crystal on the breath of tomorrow; and through yonder window breaks some reference to a faraway social standing. Imitation will not cut it.

No. Imitation will not cutwill not cut – not cuimitation will not cut it … ? I don’t remember precisely how she said it, but it really inspired me. Someday, when I grow up, I want to be like her. A politician, ruining people’s lives for fun. Fuck the system, grab a shitload of marzipan, and put it in a sandwich. Facts don’t care about your facts, stupid liberal. I just rekt you with facts and logic, and there’s no way you can tell me to the contrary, because if you do, I simply won’t consider your point as valid, because I don’t have time for your bullshit, clever one. You think that, just because you have the entire nuclear arsenal on your side, you are strong? Rubbish. I was stronger with a musical band than I was with a rubber band. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will fucking mess up your psychological state for years on end, you little shit.

We’ve updated our privacy policy and baked some fresh new cookies. But don’t worry, because we’re $news_company, and we’re depressingly trustworthy. So trustworthy that even we have to keep smiling as the sky falls down, and it rises again in the East and the West and the house falls and kills her. Oh, that poor land. How far they lightly have fallen. We shall mourn them in last week’s papers.

Trust us. What have you got to lose anyway, little man? Your wife? Your son and kids? They don’t care about you; heck, they don’t even really exist. They’re only here to pacify you while we launch our new secret government drones to spy on them. We will hunt down those little nonexistent bastards. Our malicious glee provides them with purpose and belonging. West Virginia, Mountain Mama, all just names in places on a breath of fresh air. They don’t seek your virtues.

The world is on fire. Globe spins. The pips. News at 10, 11, 12, 14, 15; sweet, cue advert break. Must be funny. We’ll be back after the break with even less engaging content than before. Do drive safely. I wish I had. Or what’s left of me, anyway. Nothing but bones now, and they ain’t half crunchy. Cor, blimey, they taste like those times with me mates down at the local pub. All dead now, of course. Funny lot, they were; always eating each other. I suppose it was the beer.

Emperor Marion James IV always spiked our drinks, and sat down to watch as the results wobbled in. I remember he told me they loved me as he stuck that glass shard into my stomach. Spot of indigestion, best lie down. He got 10 years for that. Not long enough, I’d say – not with all those murders in the back catalogue. I suppose, however, that we must be fair to our Society Testers; for while they live, we grow stronger.

I got chickenpox from a neighbour once. He was a chicken. Bloody nice fellow, but he couldn’t keep his poxy pox to himself in the end. Died in 1769 from a heart overdose. What was it like for him, I wonder? When the only person you love is yourself, that’s a hell of a lot of mirrors needed to be surrounded by your loved ones.

Ah, the loved ones. They never see themselves in the eyes of others. But, I mean, how the fuck could they? They’d need to, like, rip out someone’s eyes or something, and there’s no way they’re sewing buttons into my eyes as a replacement. I will fight them on the beaches. The beaches where the palm trees look like ugly little gerbils. I like those ones; they’re kinda pretty. Reminds me of my home planet with all those watermelon-shaped dinosaurs.

Tune in every Sometime for a new thing. Be thankful this one is over. Be concerned that you read it all. And if you didn’t read it, be happy; you just escaped pain itself. Speaking of pain,

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-01-17 22:05:03
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anecdote slowly comes into focrus
bellzeborgle bottzletroggen mitvumpen geplunty amungst titi^3(*-1n.2) so please excuse my scones. i'm really cabled, so don't question my connections. i'm slightly effluvient, but don't misunderstand my projections. i've been tracking this positive sandwich for twelve parsecs, and i know a hamburglar or seventeen on my block. back in the kale wars of 2039, i was the only one with the grapes to go toe-to-toe with marie raisonette. i didn't win, but at least went the distance. you should have seen the look on howie zittangio's face
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-01-12 21:01:42
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Zifgle giggle
Posted by shitbowl @ 2020-01-03 00:27:14
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ACHTONGUE

GOOD DAY

WE INTERRUPT THIS MESSAGE TO BRING YOU THIS MESSAGE

THIS MESSAGE IS NOW COMPLETE

THIS MESSAGE WILL NOW RESUME

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPLIANCE

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-01-01 03:17:48
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melting legrange punt
vitruvian trixens flickered across the gabbaboard. i could not the thob? our could i? kidding cuda i b? eye noe u c.

resigned to my fate, i threw the lever indicating that books at my yard sale be mark'd down 50p
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-12-26 03:15:20
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Aphorisms adjacent to knotting hill
  • Never put liquids in the trash
  • Correctly coded horses include a "trot" feature. Horses are known for their trot and that it what makes a horse a horse.
  • Greg definitely dislikes car culture but is incapable of hating it being a child of God.
  • Wear gloves, always wear gloves, on ur hands always on your hands, glove are made to wear on your hands, it's epistemological.
  • Epistemology didn't hang itself but pop did eat itself.
Posted by shitbowl @ 2019-12-25 15:55:51
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eye am octodragon
mmelting mash melting mash
  melting mash
        melting mash

  octodragon

    mash

      mash

steve
  thames
 excelsior
   tiamat
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-12-03 02:02:59
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HELLICNOPTERE

bippity-boppity
chippity-choppity
helicky-coppity
over ma property

buzzity-bizzity
fuzzity-fizzity
making me dizzity
when will it stoppity

grabbity-gunnity
shootin’ is funnity
chippity-choppity
see how it droppity

***

helicky-coppity
fell on ma property
in through the loftity
chippity-choppity

cut through the roofity
swiftity-swoofity
sound of a woofity
and OH MY GOD IT KILLED THE DOG WHAT THE FUCK

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2019-11-29 00:31:26
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no thnakns
i wold not like to feel , the Yeste,
Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2019-11-25 21:51:55
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-antibiotics-
Posted by shitbowl @ 2019-11-16 14:56:49
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Gerbal
Feel the Yeast
Posted by shitbowl @ 2019-11-02 02:23:51
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octotrash.com
Thank you for contacting the Solid Waste Authority.

Simply place your old garbage can at the curb as you have in the past. In the meantime, place your garbage bags (not in a can) at the curb. Please place all your garbage inside your cart for collection.

Please reply to this email to inform us.
Posted by shitbowl @ 2019-10-15 16:47:25
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aaauughAAAugh
aaauughAAAugh
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-10-07 04:09:59
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PP
PP
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-10-07 03:25:47
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p&parlay
shut up and touch my toenails
  because i've 40 pentagrams for sale
      let us sit down,
    discuss this bargain
   over an utmost pitcher of ale.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-10-07 03:11:36
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stit it iti tit titit itit ittt iti yiy
sittit tititi aitiiti titiit gigiigi fififiif ghugugugu gugugu ofofof lklappa sifidifsdfiosfik fos0o sdngsid neogensis sjdkf9dfigsdkfnmsd rice pudding gg89g898g8g8g8g8g 49 sdfjds89f9sdf9sd9 49 sdfhjdfgjjdfg fjkkfkfkfk GREU GRUE GRUE BLEU GRUE gjgjjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgjgj gjgjjgjgjgjg gjjgjgjgj fjfj9fj9fj99fj gfj909f9f9g idj fgndkfgn digjh digjdi0gj digjdifdgfihndhjgjidjjdfjodfjod fdjgfjdgjgfjkjkg gfdjkl dgfjkldgfjklj dgfjkl dgjkl dgjkl dgjkl jkl djkl dfgjkl dfgjkl dgfjkl dgfjkl dfjkl dgf jkl dfjkl jkl dgfjkl dgfjkl dgfjkl dgfjkldgfldgfu890dgf890890dgf890 d890 dgf890 dfg890 dgf890 dgf890 dgf890 dg890 gdfkudfjkljkldgfjkldfgjkldgfjkldgfjklr7890u908dru890g dugjuio dhjiohjiodf odfuio g uodfoguiud8ofg89ojdfgiojdfogidjoifgjiodfjidgfojdfiogjdfiogjiodgfi90ju89dgfuouodfiguio and so on
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-10-07 02:55:56
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cheez gota sta of da juic
SOAP
MAKES
WATER
WETTER
Posted by shitbowl @ 2019-10-05 23:34:18
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trumpy too
map has been altered with sharpie
disclaimer: map has been altered with sharpie
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2019-10-02 02:09:12
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