Chocolate chip cookies are a common fixture in American society. Even if one does not generally eat them oneself, cookies are often made for new neighbors, friends, and neighbors/friends that called the fire department while you were shopping at fucking Ikea, but left the stove on. Furthermore, even if one does not make COOKIES, chocolate chips are used in a vast variety of recipes. I daresay they are a basic food ingredient, much like butter or flour.
So, as I tore through cabinets at four AM in this house I am currently staying in, I was dumbfounded when all I managed to find was a small handful of chocolate chips, not even enough for a half-batch. You may wonder if the supply was merely exhausted before the next shopping trip, but shopping had been done this very day. I found myself asking: what kind of asshole doesn't have chocolate chips?
I went to my inter-net machine and attempted to a-locate a store open 24 hours, only to find that NOTHING is open before 7 AM in this bumfuck suburban shithole.
No doubt I will be reprimanded for having made noise whilst tearing through cabinets, and have no cookies to show for it.
What DID I find, instead of chips?
- Five boxes of protein suppliments
- Artificial egg protein
- Fake, low-cholesterol butter
- Aritifical vanilla flavoring
That's it. I'm drawing the line: America is fucking over. We may as well all move - or start a new country, the United States of Botox. Or the United States of Fucking Artificial Everything Because It's Lower Cholesterol (But Might Give Us Cancer Instead).
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