- Wolf Blitzer's secret tie problem
- Nancy Grace's secret baldness problem
- Chewbacca's secret arm-tearing-off fetish
- George W. Bush's public cocaine addiction
- Ralph Wiggum's public declaration of sleep vikingage
- Brad Pitt's private shame
- Angelina Jolie's generous uteris
- Britney's secret Whitney
- Meow Muthafucka
- Obama's secret mushroom trips
- Osama's secret mushroom clouds
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- Jesse Jackson's secret constipation problems
- Michael Moore's terrible Wheaties addiction
- Rush Limbaugh's recurring opiate addiction
- Republicans' secret Ambien addiction
- Kofi Annan's secret nuclear detection
- RTQP's public mocking perfection
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