Riced Out Yugo
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Bug Incident
This is a Real Bug Incident from the Front Lines.

There have been some Bugs By The Roof when I've Gotten In My Car and there were Shit Tonnes Of 'Em, they were Flying By My Window, A Lot. Already, i am tired of this capitalization gag and i am going to dispense with it.

during a routine seasonal cleaning of my unit, a roof bug was discovered to have entered the premesisises. the roof bugs had been watched with some mild concern, but in recent days, they seem to have thinned out, but, now, this direct incursion.

the roof bugs are an unspecified specieiseseses. possibly wasp, bee, fly, or Something Else. it may not even be a roof bug, come to think of it! i'll have to report this to tactical

anyways, shit, it's in here. it's buzzing around the skylight. this is ten feet above me, easy. he's fortified his position. meanwhile, i have neither flyswatter, nor electric fly tennis racquet. i am defenseless.

thankfully, i spent a summer staying at an infected mushroom song, and there, i learned about buddhism. my training took over and i decided to let bug be bug... for now. because, i have sterlite plastic drawers caked in three months of dust to clean, ok? you can have the skylight for now, bug.

i finish cleaning the s.p.d. and return it to its bedside manner. i spot the vacuum, lying there from when darth vacuum had vanquished three months of dust bunnies from behind the s.p.d. the vacuum

the vacuum

i wheel over the vacuum; plug the cord into a different outlet to give myself more mobility. i slowly try a practice reach. shit, the hose isn't long enough. i stand the vaccum up on its ass... and, it is still not long enough. to get to even the lowest zones of the skylight, i will have to hold the vaccuum off the ground with one hand so i can overcome the hose shortage. with the other: reach higher with my metal proboscis

the vacuum is heavy, and if i want range, i have to lift it up more and more. clearly, this is physical enough that i can't go in casually. i eye it from the floor below. bug is so far up i can't quite tell what it is, even still. bee? wasp? other? does it sting? is it a roof bug?

bugs work the edges, like suckaz (otherwise known as mice) and sure enough, eventually, i see him working down to an edge that almost, kinda is in reach. it really comes down to inches. i am vaguely familiar with the event horizon of my vacuum's nozzle, but there are unknown variables, like the bug's speed and maneuvering capabilities. so, really, i am keenly watching him work his way down, and when is it in the zone where i can get him? i wait patiently. i could probably get him now. if he turns around, i'll go. otherwise, just wait... let him keep going.

sensing my intentions, he takes wing! shit!

i fire up the vacuum. held aloft by my left arm, it twitches like a fish from the motor's spinup torque. i stretch to my tiptoes and hoist the vacuum to the stars, straining the fuck get the bug fuck

he's out of range. he's back in range. he moved, but he's still in range

then, there is this magic moment, when i can literally see i have him. bug is suspended in the vacuums event horizon; motionless. frozen in perfect balance with the forces of life and death. a lesser man might have lost his focus in such a deeply metaphorical moment, but i used my toes to jump a bit and
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-05-23 22:44:20
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