Riced Out Yugo
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movement of the future
we're all familiar with porta-potties. you lock the door after entering, and the indicator placard switches to "occupied." while this covers the essentials, i believe humanity is destined for greater things: in the year 2032, when you slide that latch to "occupied," that's just beginning. to wit:

1) occupying the unit wakes up the portastall AI
2) upon waking, the portastall AI verifies its systems. on error, the system will not even accept explosive diarrhea.
3) if all systems are go, the stall goes into poop mode:
  • A Die Hard 1 Nakatomi-plaza grade electromagnet KERCHUNKS into action, locking the door and committing you to the process (men of the future are decisive).
  • Electromagnetic shielding activates to prevent cosmic rays from interfering with your dump.
  • The portaunit begins pumping out high-BPM, high-decibel DnB/Jungle music with lots of Amens at a few thousand watts. Not only does this serve as a bona fide sonic laxative, it lets anyone within a half-mile radius know that this portaunit is most definitely fucking occupied, saving them -- and you -- a wasted trip.
  • As the DnB music heats up, the portaunit warms up the power amplifiers responsible for the laser show, and uses heuristic algorithms to sync the laser show to your dump progress.
  • Once you finish, the portastall takes off like George Clinton at the end of a late 70's set.
  • As you breach the stratosphere, the portastall calculates whether you are a VIP (and tries to sell you "bottle service") or Not-VIP (and calls SWAT because you are clearly a terrorist).
  • The portastall reaches a stable orbit.
  • After a few hours, you run out of oxygen, and die.

it takes innovation to realize a vision -- and i'm innovating all day long. consequently, i've penciled this in as stage 46c of the business plan. unfortunately, a 2032 launch is shaping up to be a tad optimistic, as legal advises me that it may take a bit of finagling to get suborbital portastall drones through the FAA approval process. even still, margins are projected to be generous so long as FAA approval comes sooner than 2047***, at which point we'll fall back to plan 88a (space needles).

***bootnote: lines in excel's chart wizard indicate that mankind will merge with AI circa 2049, after which portastalls will cease to be used. consequently, we need to get this to market by 2047, or we'll miss the window.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-04-13 22:03:54
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